Thank You, Fox

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"It'll be over soon, you won't be in pain anymore." Taken at 9:17am on 10/30/19, 18 minutes before he took his last breath.
It's not fair.

It's what I have been saying for the past few days. It's not fair that our dog died. It's not fair that we had to put him down. It's not fair that he suffered from all of his symptoms. It's not fair that we could not enjoy his yogurt, burgers, french fries and all the human food we got for him even if he loved them when he was well. It's not fair that Fox is so loved and he had to leave so soon. It is not fair that we know he loves us but we had to decide it's time for him to stop loving us. It's not fair.

I am feeling anger today. Anger in everything, in every situation. It's a surprise to me that I lasted the entire day without blowing up.

We adopted Fox on May 26, 2013 at 11 in the morning and he took his last breath on October 30th, 2019. We only had 6 years, 5 months, 3 days, 22 hours, 35 minutes with him. We want more but life isn't just fair.

I wrote the letter below to Fox while putting Adler to sleep on October 9th, 2019.

Thank You, Fox

I didn’t know who or what I was looking for when we were looking for a dog to adopt. I just wanted to save one life. The lady at the adoption event handed you to daddy and you yelped, that’s when she said that you’re not comfortable being carried. Daddy handed you to me, you did not yelp, you relaxed in my arms. I wanted you then and there but we decided to sleep on it except I couldn’t sleep because I WANTED YOU. I already fell in love with you.

The very next day, I took you to a party. You scratched my legs because you were scared in the car but I found it cute. On our way home, we stopped by Big Lots where dogs aren’t allowed so I can buy your crate. I left you in the car and came back to you barking your lungs out. I set up your bed in the crate when we got home but you decided to pull your bed out and hump it. It was hilarious!

Everyday since we got you, you would bark and welcome us when we get home. Our homecoming was always an event. You never let us down. You always welcomed us with love and you made sure we heard it. That same year, I got laid off. We spent all our days together. We went to the dog park so many times and everyone laughs at me for apologizing for your insane barking. The people at the park told me to not apologize because you’re a dog and you bark. We became friends with them and their dogs who were older than you and were already a little deaf.

Remember that time we were on Bing Maps because we always take walks int he middle of the day when it was cold? How about that time when you had an ear infection and you looked so ugly with your ear hairs all clumped together? Or that that time when you was so mad at Bill Nye that I had to take you to someone’s office?

When I got a job, I had to leave you again. I missed you everyday and we were sad that you were alone again all day at home so one month after my new full time job, we got Chippy! You guys tolerated each other. You guys fought from time to time. Whenever one of you guys is not home, you would wait for the other to come back.

Fast forward to when Adler and I came home from the hospital. You were so excited I was home and when I watched our video recently, I realized YOU were also so excited about Adler. You sniffed him right away when we got home but you came back to me for some pats and scratchies. You became Adler’s monitor. You would always bark or growl when he starts crying. When Adler got bigger, learned how to slowly and gently push you away from my lap so he can take over. You guys were not the best of friends but you loved each other. He loved it when you licked his fingers. When we picked you up from your surgery, he could NOT wait to pet you. He loves saying “good job” to you whenever you take your medicine.

After our trip to Vegas in June, you started having frequent accidents. At first we thought it was UTI but from the xray, you were diagnosed with prostatitis. Another month passed and you had blood in your pee and more accidents. That’s when your regular vet recommended an ultrasound. Daddy’s friend checked you, and decided a biopsy was best in this case. We agreed and you had to be admitted unexpectedly for two nights. I was so worried about you. I hope you didn’t think we got rid of you. A week after your biopsy, the worst was confirmed—you have cancer. A couple of days later, you started acting differently, we thought you were not going to make it. Daddy pulled all the strings to get your medication immediately. Within an hour, you were back to your old happy self except with incontinence. You really do rock that belly band.

Now you’re next to me, and I cant pet you. You’re snappy and tired. I wonder if you’re confused about what’s happening to you. I wonder if you know you’re about to go. You’ve been giving us a look. It’s the same look when you have a pee accident. It’s difficult seeing you this way. I wish I could cure you.

You’re my best friend, Fox. You licked so much of my tears away. You kept me company all those night I wanted to be alone. You made sure I wasn’t lonely.

[The rest was written on 10/21/19 at 10:55am]

You sat by the door on those nights I was in tears and was embarrassed about all the unexplainable emotions I was feeling. When I was happy, you barked at me worry-ly to calm me down. When I was sad, you pushed me to pay attention to you so that I’ll change the course of my mood.

I have nothing but love and gratefulness for you my Foxworthy. You made me so, so happy when skies are gray. My sky wouldn’t be as bright as it is now when you leave this side but my nights would be a little brighter, for now I have a little angel star twinkling down on me, on us. We will all miss your bright smile, you dark round eyes always watching me and making sure you can see me. I will miss your graceful walk, your wiggly happy butt and your loud barking whenever we get home. You may be tiny but there will be a huge empty space in our home that you used to take.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing Fox with me. I'll also miss him. ❤